STORM DARRAGH: WHAT WE KNOW

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By Gail Forswinds

HERE’S five things we know so far in Cumbria about Storm Darragh, which you’d know yourself if you looked out the window or went online.

Brace yourselves for a FACT ORGASM about the non-deadliest weather bomb to miss us since the last one.

Our Top Five What We Know in full:

1: It’s winter.

2: It’s wet and windy.

3: Things that happen during windy and wet weather are happening here.

4: The storm here is not as bad as it is down the country.

5: Er, that’s it!!!!

• CRASH: We’re receiving unconfirmed reports on X that a Walney man’s Father Christmas inflatable has been STOLEN by Storm Darragh at gunpoint.
• BANG: A man in Whitehaven has told friends on Facebook that his entire FACE has blown away.
• WALLOP: Someone’s Nana in Workington has cancelled her hair appointment due to rising levels of online panic here about Storm “Para”.

If you’ve ventured out into the dirty eye or rotten teeth of our weather overkill, (which you shouldn’t have), please send in your photographs that we were too shit-feared to go out and get ourselves.

AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, STAY SAFE OUT THERE!!!

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