LOCAL RAG’S SALES DISASTER

CRUMBRIA: 23.3.2026

THE Crumbling News, Carlisle – run ~~into the ground~~ by owners Scroogequest – has been bothering readers with an “important request” from the Editor.

Readers are invited to complete a sprawing 19-question survey.

(Whenever newspapers start begging readers to explain their purchasing habits, it’s usually a sign that the sales graph resembles a ski slope.)

**The finest newspaper company in the world**.

When Scroogequest took over in 2o18, The Cumberland News was selling 14,502 copies every week.

By 2025, that had fallen to about 5,700.

That’s a plunge of about 60% or about 8,700 fewer papers sold every week. On average, they’re shedding about 1,200 buyers a year every year.

It might explain the preoccupation with rage bait? See yesterday’s Chronic: Is The Snail Milking Mosque Row?

**The reader survey asks more questions than its Churnalists.**

You’ll be familiar with the sort of consumer survey too.

Are we poor? Very poor? Really poor? Catastrophically poor? Or not at all poor?

Relying heavily on the usual Scroogequest boardroom-speak, the Editor wrote: “Let us know how we can better serve you moving forward…as we look to the future of local media on multiple platforms.”

Well, here are the Chronic’s answers.

Q1: How do you read The Crumbling News?
A: Through my fingers with growing alarm.
Q2: How long do you spend reading your copy?
A: Longer than some of your reporters appear to.
Q3: How do you read The Crumbling News?
A: With my eyes. My brain does the actual reading, though.
Q4: What influences your decision to purchase?
A: To check in on a dying elderly relative and see how their treatment’s going.
Q5: Please rank The Crumbling News from poor to excellent
A: Piss poor.
Q6: What is your overall impression of The Crumbling News?
A: A shrunken broadsheet giant jemmied into a tabloid and sustained largely by press releases, sent-in photographs, puzzles, and padded out by a sprawling “memories” section about the days when the paper still mattered. Timid, institutional council reporting, and seemingly terrified of writing anything not already cleared by somebody in public office. If it wasn’t for the farming, football and court reports, it would be dead.