STORM DAVE ATE MY EASTER!

CRUMBRIA: 5.4.2026

By Gail Forced

BATTERED Crumbria was today left reeling from Storm Dave after slightly strong winds saw the county collapse into melodrama.

This morning, three trampolines are still missing and at least 10 wheelie bins are unaccounted for after the category five media storm.

Yesterday afternoon, the Fret Office officially upgraded the weather panic to “Amber”.

Easter plans were left in tatters after heavy waves of repeated alert-sharing flooded social media timelines.

Local organisations collected hundreds of likes by urging everyone to “stay safe” several hours before anything had actually happened.

Ferocious wind speeds were recorded on exposed fell tops, where nobody was and nothing was cancelled.

It’s the most serious outbreak of weather overkill since the last one.

A tearful resident told the Chronic this morning: “The barbecue cover’s gone.”

A woman told us: “I went out with the dog last night and some of his wee blew on me.”

One clueless offcomer added: “I never knew that living on an island surrounded by the sea could be so windy.”

There has been a severe outbreak of people asking: “Did you hear that wind last night?” Some replied: “Yeah.” Others said: “No.”

Meanwhile, local news outlets are counting a successful Easter having enjoying huge spikes in web traffic and social media engagement.

It comes after constantly bombarding people with Stormaggedon forecasts over library photos of waves from 2018.

THE CHRONIC GUIDE TO MEDIA STORMS

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