COUNCIL NON-JOBS

CRUMBRIA: 5.03.2026

EVER wondered what your Council Tax is spent on?

Find out here in our weekly round-up of inexplicable NON-JOBS dreamt up by your local Council’s Inhumane Resources Department.

BELONGING & INCLUSION LEAD: (Kendal/ & Hybrid £47,181–£48,226 for 37 hours a week.

Wokemoreland & Farcical Council is seeking a senior inclusion evangelist for its “Virtual School” — that non-existent public-sector fantasy land where vulnerable children are supported by the warm hug of strategy documents and retrospective metric evaluation.

You’ll “lead, support and challenge” schools, partners and headteachers, while “championing aspiration and belonging” from the safety of your front room.

Duties include spotting “patterns of disproportionality” and producing vague expert advice in industrial quantities. In short: £48k to turn vulnerable children’s problems into dashboards, work flows and another meeting about a meeting.

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RATING OFFICER: (Carlisle) £20,660–£21,247 pro rata for 22.2 hours a week.

Crumberland Council needs to keep the Council Cash Machine whirring. Its seeking a trusted Town Hall lifer to administer, bill and collect Council Tax and Business Rates — then “reconcile” them, in case grossly over-taxed residents and businesses have somehow failed to cough up enough.

Requires mastery of screen-staring, working the photocopier, licking envelopes, and payment-chasing. A temporary role for 12 months that will do a lifetime of damage to your soul. People with experience of exhorting money from the public are encouraged to apply.

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SINGLE POINT OF ACCESS OFFICER: (Carlisle/Workington) £32k for 12 months or 22 hours, if you prefer part-time despair.

Crumberland Council’s Customer Service Centre seeks a human “triage” funnel to ensure “positive outcomes” by redirecting the public to its website via every channel known to man: face-to-face, phone, online, App and email.

You’ll absorb public outrage and translate sobs into a dropdown menu, and gently usher Taxpayers away from “front-line critical services” and back onto the Council website before any member of the public accidentally gets what they want.

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BUSINESS SUPPORT ADMINISTRATOR: (Barrow, Penrith & Kendal) £28,598–£29,540.

Wokemoreland & Farcical Council’s vast Public Health bureaucracy needs a Business Support Administrator.

They are seeking a proactive “can don’t” soul to waste time preparing for endless meetings, stroking financial data, switching computers on, drinking hot chocolate and making snide remarks to reveal their contempt for Donald Trump.

You’ll help overpaid Council officials discuss inequality in Kendal over Teams and be the “go-to” gofer for every ball-aching job that nobody senior wants to do.

Help the Council improve the well-being of our communities by sitting around on your arse and organising another bloody meeting about it.

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PREVIOUSLY IN SHITVITUATIONS VACANT:

By Phil Vacancies

FANCY earning up to £39,000 to butt into people’s lives on behalf of The Nanny State?

Are you passionate about telling other staff how to do a job that you don’t do yourself because it’s wu-huh-hey below your own pay grade?

Would you like to boss Council underlings about by telling them how to stick their beaks into nasty family feuds while you work from home, filling in spreadsheets with Spotify on in the background?

Wokemoreland & Farcical Council needs you!

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By Phil Vacancies

FANCY a job with Crumberland Council which requires a shared passion for Public Involvement and Community Engagement (PICE)? Want to earn up to £35,000 for “agile and remote working?”

Does your pulse race at the thought of developing and leading the provision of a systematic, integrated and effective involvement and engagement function for a collaboration?

Can you develop high-quality reciprocal relationships and co-design approaches to provide advice and technical guidance, while identifying and implementing approaches?

If you have absolutely no idea what we’re talking about, you’re just the droid the Council’s looking for!

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By Phillippa Vacancy

FANCY a job with net zero physical or emotional demands? Want to earn up to £43k over 12 months to help our local council NOT stop global warming?

Wokemoreland & Farcical Council is seeking a Senior Advisor for Green Finance & The Circular Economy, presumably offering flexible walking arrangements between Barrow, Kendal and Penrith, because, presumably, driving between them would shit up the environment.

This exciting 12-month role is in the laugh-a-minute “Thriving Places Directorate,” where every second feels like an hour and every day has the emotional toll of a week.

The Council chuckled: “You’ll tackle non-technical barriers to financing net-zero interventions and embed circular economy principles into Council policy and operations and share approaches more widely through strategic influence and networks, including with the private sector, to demonstrate the benefits of and grow the circular economy of Westmorland and Furness.”