PRAY FOR MARCUS CAMPAIGN

By Rigid Apoplexy, Grief Reporter

SCURRILOUSLY besmirched Cumbrian Labour MP Marcus Humble-Savers this week surveyed the smoking ruins of his incinerated political reputation after it was falsely burned down by vile Tory fire-starters.

Saint Marcus, high priest of the New Labour Political Martyrs, was this week cleared by a brief parliamentary investigation into his financial interests but is proposing to call for a lengthy parliamentary investigation into how he was ever of interest to anyone ever.

The highly-studious BFG, who is not at all in any way too oversensitive, also plans to table a range of clever legislation that only he and Stephen Hawking would ever understand.

The aim is to end the vile abuse of MPs having to explain their income to anyone ever.

The blameless and distinguished Member told me today that the unfounded allegation – lodged in November – provoked an abusive firestorm of abuse, which killed his iPhone and social media accounts for an abusive five weeks.

An abuse he thought would never end ever.

Despite having done everything by the official book – (and he is now proposing to rewrite said book) – the MP’s impeccable and unquestionable reputation was dragged through the abuse as a result of an abusive Tory shit-stirrer who tabled the original complaint.

Bowed but not broken, his Halo singed but not abused, the tall MP had only this short sentence to his abusive accusers: “Abuse my integrity again and I will sue the arse off you.”

To help the MP recover from his abuse, this newspaper has set up a Go Sue You Page to bring a string of defamation claims against the constituents who abused him.

The emergency fund-raiser is bolstered by a hard-hitting campaign by this newspaper.

THE MARCUS LAW – which has the backing of everyone in our office under the age of 12 – has three clear objectives.

1: Making it a criminal offence to ever doubt a West Cumbrian Labour MP anywhere ever.

2: Criminalising all language in public forums so that any sarky aside about a West Cumbrian Labour MP is immediately re-categorised as “intolerable abuse” and reported to a Police Armed Response Unit.

3: Immediate death sentences for those found guilty of the two offences above.