DR TOSH FINDS MIRACLE CURE!

CRUMBRIA: 08/05/2025: EXCLUSIVE

BIG news from the windswept medical backwater of Wokeington.

Local Labour MP, ‘Tosh’ MacAlister, the world’s greatest living politician, has declared war on illness, NHS inefficiency, and, er, insufficient local press coverage.

He’s unveiled a “bold and ambitious” plan to perform miracles in local healthcare — by writing a report and handing it to a Minister — then farming out a Press Release to tell everyone how great it is!

MacAlister handed over his masterplan to Health Minister Ashley Dalton in what was described as “a moment of great significance,” although it was actually just a printout.

Whatever their ailment, local residents in West Crumbria can expect to be instantly cured upon contact with the doctors.

The former teacher, who loves nothing more than sitting at the head of the class and giving it the ‘Barry McGuigan’, has also brought together leaders of local services to form a “Wokeington Health Zone”.

The new panel of NHS Daleks will sit around a table for months to sensationally “talk” their way into finding cures.

Local Labour fanzine, the Times & (Red) Star, pissed itself in excitement.

Among the medical miracles Josh plans to perform include urgent GP appointments before you get ill; 600 fewer hospital admissions, and a 50% increase in ~~Labour voter~~ patient satisfaction.

Of course, no one has actually funded the Grand Plan yet.

But minor details like money and economic reality are NO MATCH for the sheer gravitational pull of Josh’s “vision”.

Expect results any decade now!

READ and be cured, children: Plan For Workington Health Zone Raised By Town’s MP Josh MacAlister