‘NEW’ PAPER LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME

CRUMBRIA: 27.02.2026

LAST week, editors at Scroogequest in Crumbria were promising big things in this week’s edition of Workington newspaper and die-hard Labour fanzine, the Times & Starmer.

“Read all about our exciting new look!” trilled a breathless advertorial on page two last week.

Readers were told to expect: “More local news, an enhanced new look, and revised offerings”.

(Editor’s note: These promises are usually made by newspapers when the arse has fallen out of the circulation figures.)

Ridiculous roadside posters soon followed, shouting: “40% MORE local news!”

Given that the Workington rag is now in Carlisle, 32 miles from the town, that was always going to be a stretch.

Local news, after all, tends to depend on what happens locally, not what someone’s sent into the office by email.

Brace yourself! Then came this week’s sensational “new-look”….

Let’s just say we were far from dazzled. The cosmetic tweaks were so minor that they required a magnifying glass to detect.

What’s worse is that last week’s paper ran to a fat 76 pages. This week’s “enhanced” version managed a slimmer 64.

By our reckoning, that’s a reduction of 12 pages, making the “new edition” nearly 16% thinner.

40% more local news!

Last week’s hullabaloo about the new paper was also repeated word-for-word in this week’s edition, so that readers were told for a second time that something exciting was happening when it wasn’t.

To add insult to injury, this week used a four-column “bedroom poster” of Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson MP standing next to ‘Keirnocchio’, our leading contender for the Most Detested Prime Minister since democracy was invented.

The photo was apparently so well-liked by staff that a version from the same event was used on page 17 to illustrate the “Talking Tosh” column.

That’s 400 words of party political schmooze purportedly penned by Labour MP Josh MacAlister, the world’s greatest ever living politician for Whitehaven & Wokeington.

New statistics show that the Times & Starmer’s circulation figure has sunk to a “piss poor” 2,600 copies a week, way down from 2010, when it sold SIX times that amount.

Going forward, readers should not rule out company bosses hiking the cover price by 10p to £2.

After all, Scroogequest’s profit-hungry pinstripes still need feeding — preferably in the form of fat cigars and new Rolls-Royces.