OFF THE RECORD: GORDON NORMAN

CRUMBRIA: 11.03.2026: COL #3

Writing a new column exclusively for The Cumbria Chronic, courageous council reporter Gordon Norman boots down the doors of Local Government in a one-man rescue mission to get truth and accountability onto the roof and into an escape chopper.

Following previous correspondence, his coverage is confined strictly to what the Council said in the meeting, as that helps keeps things all above board.

Exclusive by Gordon Norman

There was a special meeting this week about the Council’s ongoing, unresolved accountancy issues.

To be honest, I looked at the agenda and deduced that it could involve quite a lot of figures.

I wasn’t totally convinced that we, and by we I mean me, should basically be sitting through all that again.

Opposition councillor Martin Keen is on this committee and, when the numbers don’t quite tally up, you can pretty much forget about being first into town for the hot sausage rolls.

I sent a message over to Newsdesk saying I was giving the special meeting a swerve because it didn’t look very special, as far as I could tell.

I said if they need me, I’d be working from home on some really urgent minor planning applications, providing there was any on the Council website.

Not that I was guaranteeing there was.

Anyway, I didn’t hear back from Newsdesk, which was good, so I put 6 Music on.

I find background noise while I work really helps me not to concentrate.

I was just looking at this fly sizing up one of my Hob Nobs when my phone pinged.

It was Newsdesk: “Gordon, please go to the meeting. We’re short of news.”

I replied saying: “Ok. I’ll possibly try and swing by there if I get a minute.”

He came back with: “Gordon, you really need to go!”

To be honest, I didn’t like him using exclamation marks like that in a message. It’s totally inappropriate, so I did a bit of research on the union website.

“Are management actually allowed to use exclamation marks in messages and does it class as bullying and harassment?”

(No returns.) If he does it again though, I might go off sick.

One thing I’ve learned about the newspaper game is you’ve got to be tough.

So I sent a message to Newsdesk saying: “I’m going now. Just don’t blame me if you don’t get that illegal fence post story!”

Two can play the exclamation game…

I watched the fly on the Hob Nob for a bit and then I noticed that it kept rubbing its hands together for some reason. Very carefully, I picked up the biscuit with the fly still balanced on it and then wanged it out of me window like a frisbee.

It bounced off next door’s up-and-over and was then pounced on by a seagull. Don’t ask me what happened to the fly, though, cos I’d already shut the window.

I rang my secret contact, Sore Throat, and asked her if she was going to the Council meeting.

She said no, because they’d got loads of people coming round measuring up the offices before the auction.

Anyway, she reckons there can’t be anything of any interest to anyone in the figures.

Her boss had to rewrite them to make sure of it. It’s totally normal for Councils not to know where the money’s gone, according to her, anyway.

I told her about Newsdesk kicking off and she said I should lodge a formal grievance.

Apparently someone in her office got given tea once in a brew round. They took it to a tribunal and got ten grand for “coffeeism”.

She asked if I’d seen the new planning application that’s just come in about a proposed new dropped kerb, but I said I hadn’t. I’d been up to my neck in it all morning trying to get out of this meeting.

I told her to send me all the griff on it. I might need to string it out to 600 words if this meeting isn’t up to much.

I’m not sure it’s going to deliver and somehow I’ve missed the start!

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