LABOUR FACING REFORM WIPEOUT

CRUMBRIA: 20.3.2026

REFORM UK will unseat all FOUR of Cumbria’s Labour MPs – according to polling work done for that bastion of impartial reporting, er, GB News.

Labour MPs currently representing Barrow and Furness, Whitehaven & Workington, Penrith & Solway, and Carlisle, are all looking at a single term of office, or so today’s story goes.

Only Saint Timothy Farron, vicar of Wokemoreland & Loonsdale, would rise again.

While we welcome headlines like this popping a few planet-sized political egos, we’d urge people not to break out the Union Jack pint glasses too prematurely.

Michelle Scrogham MP — ***Going? Michelle Scrogerm, Barrovia***

This indepth shocky-horror electoral prediction has been brought to you by tanking Carlisle tabloid, the News & Shrug, which added the massive caveat….”If a General Election was held now!”

The “polling data” being relied upon is also slightly shakier than the paper’s clickbait makes it sound.

***Gone? Tosh MacAlister, Wokeington.***

IF current national trends were copied into Cumbria, Reform MIGHT win all four seats from Labour.

What the alleged former newspaper didn’t spell out is that it doesn’t account for how local constituencies can behave wildly differently to the national picture.

All it takes to stop Reform winning, they reckon, is a well-liked local MP, tactical voting, a weak Reform candidate and a strong local Labour ground campaign.

True to form, the Carlisle tabloid went off and canvassed the views of every mainstream political party in Crumbria, except, er, Reform.

Therefore, local media dahling, Martyr Campbell-Savours, Labour MP for Penrith & Solway and patron saint of farmers, was rolled out to wax lyrically (but reasonably) about the unlikelihood of Reform winning.

Let’s face it, the only poll that counts will be the one in 2029 – if Keirnocchio can cling on that long.

And you can bet your left bollock that Labour – rather like a vindictive tenant facing eviction – will cause as much damage as possible before they’re forced off the premises.

The Chronic doesn’t mean to start the weekend by siphoning the python over the garden party, but we also have to this to say:

Anyone clinging to the fantasy that Reform UK is an automatic passport to electoral success and everything will be all right after that, probably needs to check-in for a few weeks at the nearest funny farm.