GORDON NORMAN: OFF THE RECORD

CRUMBRIA: 29.03.2026: COL #5

Writing a new column exclusively for The Cumbria Chronic, decorated council reporter Gordon Norman takes on the powers that be as he leaves no stone unturned in his quest to get to the bottom of an important holiday request.

Exclusive by Gordon Norman

There were no Council meetings to go to this week, or should I say, none that I considered really worthy of going to anyway.

Which was good.

I think it’s healthy to have a break from democracy.

If it was up to me, we’d have a national vote on drawing a line under it at certain times of the year. Like now when the sun finally starts hitting the back garden?

Even though there were no meetings, I’m allowed to work from home because I have a union-backed agreement that I am not legally required to go into the office physically, mentally, spiritually, or in-person.

But I do still have work to do. Explaining to Newsdesk what I’m not doing can be a full-time job in itself.

If it was up to me, more people would work from home. You get far more done there than you do in the office, like online banking or Heart of the Reich.

I find being in the office very distracting. It can be totally unprofessional having to listen to all the endless back-and-forths about how we’re going to fill this week’s paper with only one and half reporters.

© Where the magic happens. Photo Gordon Norman. No republication permitted.

Like I said to Newsdesk: “Don’t panic about page one. I might have a fairly big exclusive coming about whether an unauthorised garage conversion is totally in-keeping with the street scene.

“Mind you, don’t count on it because the applicant wasn’t keen on being quoted.”

*©Garage to salon plan: Image by Gordon Norman. Not for reproduction.*

The rest of my morning went on some very important minor planning applications, two follow-up emails and deciding whether one particular issue was really one for now or one for later. As in next year.

Unfortunately, Newsdesk then rang me back just as I was having a little wander into town for my 11 o’clock sausage rolls.

Apparently, a member of the public had rung the office with a complaint about the Council.

I hate it when that happens because you can end up wasting a lot of your time.

Newsdesk said I had to ring him back straight away as it sounded “quite a good story,” according to them.

After my sausage roll, which had gone cold by then, I rang the man back but all he did was rant.

“That lot at the town hall needs a committee meeting to decide what colour flowers to put on the table for the committee meeting,” he said.

I pointed out to him that as a matter of fact they don’t have flowers on the table. I know for a fact that they have locally-sourced water, Lakeland Tap.

It’s provided in bulk by a local distributor at a very reasonable cost to the Council of £2m a year.

He didn’t know what to say to that.

*©Bottles of water attend a Council meeting: Image strictly Gordon Norman.*

I also told him that I had been to loads of meetings of the Council’s Civic Floral Arrangements Sub-Committee, and they’re a good bunch, generally. No pun-intended.

Anyway, he slammed the phone down, saying: “Typical MSM!”

Later on, my council contact, Sore Throat, messaged to let me know that she won’t be around in a few weeks as things are getting busy.

Apparently, things are getting “mental” at the Council, what with the massive unexplained small inferno in accounts.

She said she’s almost certain that she’s going to come down ill with something before the Easter holidays and possibly after them.

In a state of panic, I looked at next month’s meetings calendar and saw that there are several big Council meetings one after the other.

Within the context of the framework of Good Friday, I find that wholly inappropriate.

I therefore took an executive decision to submit a strategic holiday request to Newsdesk, which gets me a full week off for only two days leave.

After waiting a whole 10 minutes and not receiving any acknowledgement, I sent around an urgent follow-up request to everyone on Newsdesk.

Basically, I have given them a deadline of 4:59:59 PM today for a response.

If my holiday request hasn’t been approved by close of play today, I told them I will consider my next steps, which may, or may not, include the full force of my union rep.

I may even have to go “full tabloid” on them tomorrow. Pursue the matter with them face-to-face.

Go into the office first thing. Doorstep them.

Newsdesk are so lazy. They really need to start pulling their fingers out of their arses, sharpish.

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