Category: Satire

By Gill Gates

WASTEMORELAND and Furness Clowncil has been crowing about their “successful” business survey. But really, businesses used it to have a POP at the council!

More than 8,700 surveys went out but just 1,600 businesses bothered to reply.

Unlike the council, most business owners are too busy working to be pissing about filling in forms.

And business owners know that when councils ask questions, they don’t like hearing the answers!

The pitiful response (less than 20%) hasn’t stopped council PR spinners from TALKING UP the results.

“Survey shows high confidence within Westmorland and Furness business sector!” declared a council press release sent out far and wide to our local media.

65% of businesses are “confident” of the year ahead, the council gloated.

Dig a little deeper and you’ll find that just 11% (equivalent to less than 200 businesses) are very confident. Which is a piss poor return from 8,700 surveys?

Of those which did complete a survey:

340 businesses were not very confident and 91 businesses were not at all confident

Obstacles facing businesses included, surprise, surprise, business rates which are collected by the council!

It takes £63 million a year.

Indeed, business owners asked to give “comments” used the opportunity to have a go at the council.

More than 400 left “feedback.” Big grumbles included the lack of parking due to council double yellow lines. People also complained about the high costs of council car parks.

Other legitimate moans included the high cost of business rates and what the council spends it on.

They also don’t like town centres with scores of empty shops; the difficulties of getting planning permission from the council, and the lack of grants it gives out to help businesses.

Mysteriously, none of this found its way into the council press release. How convenient!

Westmorland and Furness Council is still standing by its slogan that the area is a good place to “live, work and thrive.”