nhs – thecumbriachronic.co.uk

CRUMBRIA: 3.03.2026

TOP-floor NHS Daleks in South Crumbria have been taking a kicking today in a national newspaper

According to today’s Daily Torygraph, Coniston faces being left without a doctor.

But why?

*Today’s Daily Telegraph. Click link to go to page (subscription required)*

Because its patient list — around 1,100 — seems too small and financially unviable to attract GPs to take over.

Most doctors’ practices are independent businesses contracted by the NHS.

They’re paid largely on a per-patient basis, with extras for targets and add-ons.

The NHS contract works best for doctors based in towns with 10,000 patients or more. Less so in smaller, rural areas like the Lakes.

You could say a massive rethink is required for the NHS contract!

The NHS Lancashire and South Cumbria Integrated Care Board (ICB), headquartered in, er, Preston, also doesn’t come out of today’s story well.

It was variously accused of “poor planning, communication and hiding behind spreadsheet logic”.

(Surely not!)

Brainboxes at the ICB launched the tender for a new Coniston GP on, er, Christmas Eve — during winter crisis season — and with only a very short window for bids.

Unsurprisingly, no one came forward despite a well-made community video which went viral.

The ICB criticised today is now led by Aaron Cummings (left).

He honed his skill for babbling in anagrams and healthcare riddles at the University Hospitals of Morecambe Bay NHS Foundation Trust (UHMBT), which runs Furness General Hospital.

After 11 years, Cummings left UHMBT as its chief executive late last year for the top job at the ICB — the very same body tied up in the wildly unpopular decision regarding intensive care proposals affecting FGH in Barrow!

His jumping ship has paid off.

At UHMBT, Cummins received around £250,000 a year. The ICB package in 2024/25 was a mere £350,000.

He must be well on his way to becoming a millionaire under the National Wealth Service, if he’s not already.

Meanwhile, spirited 91-year-old Coniston resident Judy Jones rhetorically asked The Telegraph: “What would I do without this surgery?

“I’ll probably die.”

Bang your pots and pans, ladies and gentlemen, for the finest health service in the world!

***

Dear Doctor Chronic,

I’ve been feeling unwell for some time with a stabbing pain in my arse pocket, which only feels better when I think about accumulating vast sums of money for myself. I also suffer from overwhelming urges to talk out of my arsehole and receive a ridiculous salary for doing so? I also have fever dreams where I am being showered in endless £100 notes. What do you recommend?

Yours, A Patient

Dear A Patient,

How the frig did you get past the switchboard and reception? No matter, I fear you may be suffering from a very common syndrome called Greedius Fuckius Bastardius. There is only one known cure. Have you tried applying for a director-level job in the NHS? Previous sufferers report that their symptoms disappeared overnight. They also experienced extremely pleasant side effects when checking their bank balance online. For my assistance in this matter, I enclose my invoice totalling £3,000 + VAT.