uk-satire – thecumbriachronic.co.uk

CRUMBRIA: 29/04/2025: EXCLUSIVE

AS spookily predicted a week ago by the Chronic, ruling Labour councillors in North and West Cumbria have today VOTED DOWN local calls for a national inquiry into the grooming gang scandal.

May’s winning lottery numbers are up next, missus!

There were 31 votes against, 11 votes in favour, and 4 abstentions at today’s show of paws in Carlisle.

Independent opposition councillors had tried to box into a corner Labour-daft Crumberland Council by asking them to: “Call on the Labour Government to initiate a national inquiry.”

But 31 councillors disagreed and voted against – every Labour councillor, natch.

Joining them were two Independents and a pair of Greens.

Backing the motion for the Council to ask the Government for a national inquiry were 11 Independent councillors and all the Conservatives.

Meanwhile, all four Liberal Democrats in the chamber abstained.

(Cllr Mavis Meek reporting for duty…Well ah doont reallly knoww, Verrrrraaa!)

The Labour line in the chamber today, I’m told, seems to be that the scandal has been “politically hijacked” while national inquiries are too slow to help victims, say my spies.

But opponents argued that little local reviews hither and thither don’t go far enough to deliver justice for “thousands of white, working-class girls”.

The motion was proposed by an Independent councillor from West Cumbria.

Cllr Stephen Stoddart said it was: “Imperative that those responsible are held accountable and face justice.”

As the Chronic said last week, Governments don’t listen or act on motions from local councils.

But today’s vote in Cumbria clearly shows where the parties stand on one of the biggest political hot potatoes of our times.

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STOP PRESS: The Chronic has heard tell of extraordinary political parlour games going on today…disastrous attempts at an alternative amendment…the V-sign being ushered in the direction of a ranking councillor…and even a member of the Labour Council high command urging the Chamber to watch “Adolescence” if they really want to know where child sexual exploitation is coming from!

Hold onto your seat, Grandad!

We’ll wait to see if our ever-dependable local media explores these sideshows in its “official version of events” which will be published tomorrow in our comics to universal yawns.

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LABOUR COUNCIL POLITICAL HOROSCOPE

We know April is the sign of Taurus but there’s really no need to talk bull. This week, your ruling planet — Political Self-Interest — collides with your rising sign of Public Accountability, creating unpredictable tension personally and in the chamber. A crucial vote looms. And like a bitter pill in the bathroom cabinet, you don’t want to take it, but swallow it you must. Even though you may suffer from its side-effects for a very long time. Now might be a time to consider “unexpectedly retiring” to spend more time with constituents. While you still have any.

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The Chronic said it first! Here’s what we predicted LAST WEEK!