TIMBO’S WAR OVER £40M HOLE

CRUMBRIA: 11.6.2026

NAIVE hacks in Kendal have been treating readers to the latest miracle of Saint Timbo, who is apparently going to “fight back” as Wokemoreland & Farcical Clowncil teeters on the brink.

The council’s Lib Dem dictatorship says it’s going to end up £40 million short of what it needs in three years or go kaput.

As a result, the vicar of Wokemoreland and Loonsdale has been donning his Rambo headband and smearing his face with camo paint.

“I’m fighting the Government to get them to undo these cuts!” Tim thundered in The Wasteoftime Gazette.

What the papers forgot to point out is that the Lib Dems are wetter than a cucumber in a women’s prison so “fighting” doesn’t actually look like much.

It usually means firing off another strongly-worded letter on House of Commons notepaper, (destined for the ministerial wastepaper basket), or standing up in Parliament and hoping one of Keirnocchio’s underlings indulges him for 60 seconds.

There is zero chance of the Government ripping up its Council funding formula however much TF goes apeshit.

As any fule kno, Westminster’s magic money tree tends to only blossom in constituencies where the MP is wearing the Government’s rosette.

It may explain why Kendal has received peanuts for years.

So instead of a radical reappraisal of where the Clowncil spends its money, the answer, as always, is: “We want more!”

Having already treated readers to the comic proposition that the Lib Dems are best placed to beat Reform in next year’s Crumbrian mayoral election, Tim then went full Edinburgh Fringe, telling the local rags:

“Westmorland and Furness Council is one of the best run in the country.”

This is an interesting interpretation of its performance thus far.

Especially in Barrovia, who are not best pleased about the decision of the Council to bulldoze The Forum and Market Hall, and where the litter in some backstreets resembles downtown Calcutta – a complaint Labour councillors have been making to the Lib Dem leadership for some time.

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