LOCAL RAG MISSES BIG STORY

CRUMBRIA: 18.6.2026

THE future looks pretty grim if you live in Crumberland.

Bosses at the Labour-daft council have been looking long into the crystal ball.

The image coming back clearly shows solids hitting the air conditioning.

Thanks to an ageing population, they forecast that Cumberland will need:

Thousands of specialist homes for older people
Hundreds more nursing and residential care beds
A serious expansion of supported mental-health housing

No one seems terribly arsed about this.

A consultation into the matter attracted a piss poor 36 responses — including just 21 members of the public.

Also glossing over this looming health and housing emergency today is the News & Shrug.

Renowned for turning sure-fire scoops into lightly-warmed minutes, the doomed Carlisle journal is unlikely to trouble any Pulitzer judges.

Despite attending this Council talking shop, the alleged former newspaper somehow forgot to include the nightmare facts and figures howling at it from Crumberland’s own report.

The struggling Council reckons it’s going to need:

380 more nursing care beds by 2044
240 more residential care beds by 2044
More than 4,000 specialist homes for older people
•Nearly 14,000 accessible and adaptable homes
Nearly 1,000 wheelchair-adapted homes
120 extra mental-health supported housing units – six times what it has now
70 more supported homes for “care-experienced” young people

Instead of using these figures, the News & Shrug ignored them entirely and allowed its article to descend into a diatribe focused on developer-phobia and bashing house-building companies.

Quoting its favourite Labour and Green councillors who are so far off to the left they need their own special box, like the Shetland Islands, they had no serious answers to the crisis at hand.

Only dire tales about the evils of capitalism, which were lapped up by the tanking tabloid with its increasingly pinko tinge.

Which is convenient, because kicking private-sector businesses is a damn sight easier than explaining how Labour, the Greens — or any other party for that matter — will conjure thousands of homes and care beds out of thin air.

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