COUNCIL’S FESTIVAL OF WOKERY!

CRUMBRIA: 07.08.2025: EXCLUSIVE

By Dick Shittington

ANOTHER outrage that’s slipped past Crumbria’s sloth-like local media is a recent festival of wokery for staff allegedly working for Wokemoreland & Farcical Council.

The Chronic hears tell of a ludicrously titled ‘Staff Expo & Conference!’ complete with “vibrant drop-in exhibitions and workshops, bookable break-out sessions and a timetable running to 11 pages – including “dance & movement” get-togethers for Council colleagues!

It sounds like a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party for the rainbow lanyard class! Was anyone there that is a millimetre to the right of Zarah Sultana, we wonder?

The programme schedule bears all the tell-tale fingerprints of the Council’s dreamy Lib Dem dictatorship.

All that was missing was Ed Davey on a unicycle juggling ethically-sourced Kendal Mint Cakes.

With no other work to do, it seems, Council staff mosied on down to the Brewery Arts Centre, Kendal – famed for its comedy nights – and Kendal Clown Hall – a long-established joke factory.

Out of town staff were bussed in on free coaches from Carlisle, Penrith and Barrow, and there was free rail transport, and free shuttle buses from local train stations.

Kendal Town Hall itself was ridiculously transformed into what the Council called a “Staff Wellbeing and Support Hub”.

The vast building was transformed into a Workplace Essentials Hub, an Everyday Empowerment Room, A Moments and Milestones Room, and a Ways of Working Zone.

(Excuse us for a sec while we dry heave.)

Thanks!

Staff indulged in sessions on safe spaces, carbon literacy, Net Zero lectures, community power, building connections & breaking down barriers; a bizarre doom & gloom live weather forecast from the year 2050, and a live Q&A with Gen Z members of the workforce.

Young funsters on the Council apparently outlined their amazing plans to attract and retain new staff for the “future world of work” by, er, not doing any!

The fun didn’t stop there, folks.

There was also an unmissable “panel discussion” featuring the council’s advisor on Equality, Diversity and Inclusion; the chair of the council’s Race Equality Staff Network; the Human Resources director; a cabinet-level Lib Dem councillor for ‘Kommunitties’, and staff responsible for resettling our overseas brethren across the area.

A timely reminder is needed now, dear reader, that this is the self-same Council which hiked your Council Tax to the max this year, has refused to reveal the identity of a Liberal Democrat councillor who owed £2,700 in Council Tax, and moaned in January of a “severe financial crisis” facing clown halls.

The special day also included:

A staff listening event hosted by £188k Council boss Sam Plum (Job)
Embedding the green agenda in public libraries
Music and movement sessions (move & groove, no experience necessary)
‘Taster’ sessions on using activation (rubber exercise) bands
Tips on reducing overwhelm and decluttering your workspace
A knit & knatter meat-free BBQ with Tim Farron on nose flute
- Virtual reality road-safety experiences and e-bike displays

For the amusement of Chronic readers, just one on the list above is entirely fictional.

Tell us which one is untrue in our Facebook comments section, and thank Gawd you never had to work for a Council.

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