CRUMBRIA: 16.6.2026.
DESPERATE to appear competent before Andy Burnmoney is elected in Makerfield on Thursday, Keirnocchio has rushed out plans to ban under-16s from social media.
“9 out of 10 parents back the ban!” said silken-tongued purveyors of half-truths working for the Government.
The trouble is, only 54,000 parents took part in the official consultation — equivalent to, er, roughly one in every 1,000 adults.
That’s less than 1% of parents. The “9 out of 10” figure relates only to those who agreed with the Government paperwork.
But whatever the pros and cons of the ban, mums and dads in Crumbria have one local politician’s neck hand to shake.
Step forward super-smooth Tosh MacAlister OBN, the Labour MP for Whitehaven & Wokeington, and the world’s greatest ever living politician.
The former school headteacher from Rochdale has been banging on about taking phones off kids ever since he was hustled into the constituency by party big wigs.
It’s not hard to imagine that kids on phones was Tosh’s biggest educational ballache.
Too much doomscrolling and insufficient attention being paid in assembly to his long lectures of how the world should be.
Irony upon irony, Tosh was quick out of the traps yesterday to upload a video to, er, Facebook; reminding the world who was actually responsible for this genius.
However, judging by the hostility in his comments section, the ban is not quite the mic-drop the MP thinks it is.
Despite recording plenty of thumbs-ups, some lashed out at Government parenting.
Others warned it could isolate lonely or troubled delinquents, and miss the real target: PDF files.
Critics also say age checks may be impossible to police and that it’s a back door to digital ID.
Big Starmer is watching you, etc, etc.
Tosh, in that high moral tone that Labour MPs (and teachers) have made their own, bit back when insufficient admiration was shown.
He bristled: “I’m not prepared to stand by while children across the country are harmed by social media.”
Punishments for the teens who will inevitably flout the ban? A life sentence of detention in a Cleator Moor gulag?
All nine readers of the Times & Starmer, Wokeington, should probably not bother with this week’s edition.
It’s odds-on that the MP’s most-devoted pet hack will be showering him with praise and ignoring all the naysayers.
***
Share this story
Follow the Cumbria Chronic on Facebook
thecumbriachronic.co.uk 
You must be logged in to post a comment.