£547M ‘BLAIR BILL’ FOR HOSPITAL

CRUMBRIA: 3.6.2026

TAXPAYERS looking at their wage slips and wondering where the frig their money goes need only look towards Crumbria’s biggest hospital.

The Cumberland Infirmary, Carlisle, opened 26 years ago at a cost of £67m but has actually ended up costing £547m.

Why? Because it was built under PFI (Private Finance Initiative) – a favourite of Tony Blair.

In the year 2000, ‘Phoney’ himself rocked up in Carlisle to cut the ribbon: grinning like a Cheshire Cat on LSD.

PFI involves private consortiums of pinstriped investors stumping up the money at the start, then charging the NHS an annual fee for decades afterwards.

Earlier this year, the struggling North Crumbria Disintegrating Care Trust terminated the remaining four years of the £578m contract.

No-one knows HOW MUCH it forked out to cut off the leg irons.

Secretive NHS high-ups in Crumbria refuse to tell the public.

Today’s Crumbling News, Carlisle – once the go-to paper for local health scandals – has reheated this shocky-horror news on its front page.

That’s despite it being all over the internet as far back as, er, January.

To be fair, its star reporter has been asking unpleasant questions about how much the Trust coughed up.

Unshackled from the agreement, the Trust expects to save £12m a year off its annual running costs.

Local Labour figures reckon all the cash spent on this “epic failure” could have funded 400 nurses or 200 doctors for 30 years.

Instead, it vanished into the silk-lined pockets of shareholders who worked out how to rent a hospital back to the NHS for three decades.

Readers of the Chronic are reminded that the Cumberland Infirmary isn’t the county’s only PFI nose bleeder.

The new Carlisle Northern Development Route will cost Crumberland Council circa £15m a year in PFI payments.

Other PFI projects here include new offices for Copeland Borough Council (2016); Workington Fire Station (2013); and Workington Police Station (2000).

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Dear Doctor Chronic,

I have developed a very painful swelling in my arse pocket.

Every month I pay my taxes, look at my wage slip, and feel a strange burning sensation in my ring piece — almost like someone was taking me for a fucking ride.

A mate of mine reckons there’s something going round called PFI.

What’s the crack, like?

Yours
A. Taxpayer

Dear A. Taxpayer,

Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, opening it has triggered a £10 million surcharge.

However, I can confirm that you are suffering from Private Finance Irritation.

This long-term condition can last 30 years and is caused by direct exposure to arseholes in shiny suits using the phrase “public-private sector partnerships.”

Common side effects include chronic leakage from your annual income, severe eyebrow raising, and piss so boiling you could annihilate an ant’s nest.

Your invoice for this consultation is £547m, payable in simple annual instalments for the rest of eternity.