CRUMBRIA: 14.7.2026
BARROVIA MP Michelle Scrogerm is so excited by the prospect of an Andy Burnham Labour government that it seems she can barely sleep at night.
(Ey, she’s only human, knowworramean, lasses!)
Writing in the Evening Snail, the local MP informs a grateful nation that his emergency return to Parliament has unleashed “an atmosphere of optimism within the country”.
Optimism isn’t the phrase that jumps to the front of the Chronic’s mind.
The phrase currently occupying that space is, er, “Jesus wept, not another messiah.”
Give her her due, Her Majesty has secured a meeting today with the incoming Burnmoney.
What might that agenda look like?
That the only career opportunities outside the razor-wire fences of the Yard are for babysitters and litter pickers?
That Barrovia is being carved up into a giant HMO while the Clowncil rubber-stamps the paperwork?
Or that the critically ill intensive care unit at Furness Gen is lying on its own deathbed.
But let’s at least hear the lad out first.
Burnmoney promises growth in “every single postcode” and “hope in every heart.”
There are 1.8 million postcodes, so he best get his skates on.
And hope may soon be the only treatment left if the ICU at Furness Gen is fobbed off to faraway Lancaster.
Just a reminder: The UK is £2,984,000,000,000 in debt.
At the risk of peeing on the parade, the Chronic wonders whether being a Professional Northerner is going to be enough to fix the country.
Even the Evening Snail’s advertising algorithms seem unconvinced by the Barrow MP’s sales pitch.
Beneath Scrogerm’s gushing optimism for Burnham came pop-up adverts for “Stools that won’t move” — Starmer? — and “Treatments for IBS.”
How long until Irritable Burnham Syndrome kicks in nationwide?
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