ANDY CRAPP @ NO 10 IN’T NORTH

MANCHESTHAIR: 26.7.2026

Ah Say! How yer diddling?

I’m right as ninepence, me. Ah spent me first day in the new Manchester office this week.

I got ’em to do it up like a bloody palace. All mod cons — but dead humble.

Hot ’n’ cold running gravy, big pictures of mesell on every wall and a lovely little team following us round with a camera to re-film all me spontaneous reactions!

They flew us up from that, there London.

The posh security fella sez to us: “Sorry, Prime Minister, but I must insist that you do not get the bus! We’re taking you by armoured helicopter.”

Ah turned round and sez to him: “Ah’ll have you know, young man, that I used to travel everywhere by Shanks’s bloody Pony. A bus is bloody luxury where I come from!

“But ah suppose ah’m world-famous now, unfortunately….”

They’re good, these ’elicopters, but ah was bricking it when we took off.

Let’s just say that when we landed, ah didn’t just need a T-shirt to change into.

Ah needed fresh bloody undercrackers, n’all! Eye of a needle stuff.

All the media were waiting. One of ’em asked: “Why are you flying home to Manchester one day a week?”

Ah said it’s important to stay down-to-earth in politics — and to never forget where ah didn’t come from.

They loved that, they did.

Anyways, yer’ll have all seen that we’re helping you out with a few extra shillings towards the rent of yer gas fire.

It works out at roughly 86p a week — so don’t spend it all at once, will yer!